Note To Self

 

Mindlessly mindful, ever present and knowing.

Completely aware of myself and selfishly indulging in the circuit of thought.

Allowing self loathing, almost seeking it to reveal the self pity

To reveal the victim inside

Longing to overwhelm the present.

The beautiful present, full of love, the potential of laughter and joy

The potential of happiness.

 

I hate myself for surrendering.

I care less and allow myself to be fully in the moment of disdain, of dislike.

 

I see what I think others see and yet I know there is no clarity, my internal is hidden from them.

Blood, sinews, desires, darkness,

clarity would only expose twisted and dead end cavernous thoughts.

I am reluctant to go there for fear of feeling trapped,

the dread of wrapping myself up tightly

unable to penetrate from the inside or outside.

 

And so, I write to stop the madness

 

The temptation to write drives my pen. I cannot stop and yet the words do not come naturally all at once.

 

I love you, I feel your pain, I feel your guttural lock.

I see the knot in your deep lumbar cavity

seeping and poisoning your being

I see it in your loving

It is there to torture you, to play with you like a helpless bird

You are a toy, endless prey

 

Care more about your awareness

You have it in abundance

You are

strong enough

destructive presence can cease

take notice and be open, it has to reveal itself.

Absolution and acknowledgement will bring release.

 

I love you, you are my hearts desire

You are worthy and valid,

You are alive and real

You are here and present. Be that person.

 

I love you

Sparkle on bright shining star.